Things Esme Would Never Say

26. I'm a space alien freakadelic weirdo.

Nice one haha

27. Rosalie dear, may I borrow one of your really short mini skirts?

nice!

28. Et puis zut! I got carrots all over my nice shiny ipod!

Do what!? HAHAHA

29. Carlisle- Whip, chains or cuffs? Or all of the above?

you have a dirty mind, lauren!

(it means, roughly, "oh, darn!")

30. i'm ready for a night at the bar. anyone wanna come?

I know I do. And so do you-don't deny it.

(Thanks for clearing that up)

31. *yelling at one of the kids* Don't you dare clean up that mess! Leave it alone!

scaryish.
32. *to Carlisle* why did you have to save me after jumping off that cliff!? I hate this family and I especially hate living with you!!

poor carlisle!

33. jack and jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. jack fell down and broke his crown, and jill came tumb'ling after.

34. Sunny day, sweepin the clooouds away. (and so on) now oscar, you've been mean, so you must DIE!

35. Everyone grab a beer. We're going to see who can chug theirs down the fastest.

*roars with laughter* love that one!

*piffs the vodka (empty) bottle at Carlisle. "dont you tell me that im drunk you.... you.... pen1s you!!!

*carlisle backs towards the door*

*falls over laughing*

37. I don't think my 'girls' are big enough. Carlisle dear, may I get breast implants?

*chokecoughchokelaugh*

38. (while getting her groove on) Oh yes, I am one hot mama!

*stares*....
........ ..........
.............. ............

!!!?

Moving on...Haha

39. Rosalie, that skirt isn't short enough. Go try on another.

40. Alice dear, you need some more clothes. here's a thousand dollars to go to the mall with. and take Bella with you, she needs hotter outfits.

41. Carlisle, you're just not man enough for me anymore.

ah, how sad.

42. Edward, f*ck off.

Just picturing Esme saying that is funny.

43. Joan Crawford is my idol.

i agree, i laughed as i typed and now my parents think i have a mental disorder or something. lol

44. If I had a chance to do it again, I think I would have rather it not been Carlisle.

Poor Carlisle

45. Hit me with another bartender, this time hold the rocks.

46. Alice? I think I need to go to that shopaholics anonymous meeting with you and lauren.

Haha nice.

47. Girls, lets take Bella to Vegas for a wild weekend for her bachelorett party.

48. Men! Every time he goes away to his surgery, he leaves me at home to pine and to clean. And do you know how much cleaning there is to do? Day in, day out, that's all I do! Clean, clean, clean. And how much thanks do I get for it? I'll tell you how much. NONE, that's how much! And you know another thing? I bring him home a nice deer, freshly caught, still dripping, and he takes one look at it and says that he'll go watch TV instead. What am I going to do with a dead deer in my kitchen, hmm? Well? [cut because rants like these go on for HOURS ]